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As any one close to me knows, I am the spawn of unapologetic, heart-hemorrhaging liberals. I remember chanting "No more guns, no more war, U.S. out of El Salvador" from atop my daddy's shoulders as a little girl. I remember hearing about Auntie Mary's forays into Nicaragua in the 1980s and wondering why on earth she was interviewing gorillas. I first met a Republican as a freshman in college. He was one of those schmucks who takes a single economics class and decides that digging on free market economics is synonymous with loving George Bush.

For the most part, I agree with my parents. But I draw the line when it comes to Daniel Ortega and his fellow Sandanistas. That's Daniel, signed in cursive across a hot pink billboard with a bubble over the "i". The guy formerly known as El Comandante.

TEN REASONS WHY DANIEL IS LOUSY SCUM:

1. While campaigning, he never proposed a plan. His billboards tell the people that there will be zero unemployment, zero illiteracy and zero corruption. The first two claims -- not possible. The third? That brings me to the next point.

2. In the late 1990s, Ortega signed a deal with President Arnoldo Aleman. The deal is still unknown to the public, and Ortega refuses to release it. But we do know this much: The pact grants deputy status to former presidents. Deputy status means two things: about $100,000 a year for doing nothing and judicial immunity. Why would either man want this?

Well, Aleman was about to get roasted for keeping all Hurricane Mitch relief dollars to him and his buddies. And Ortega was about to get a human rights lawsuit slammed on him for massacring villages during the second guerrilla war. (He has since apologized for killing those people. Anything for votes, I suppose.)

But there was something else gnawing at Ortega. His stepdaughter, Zoila America, had come to him earlier asking for an apology for nearly a decade of raping. When he turned his apology into a recounting of every sex act, she told him that she would press charges that he started molesting her when she was 11 and started raping her when she was 15. Her mother, Rosaria, remains Ortega's wife and has called her daughter a slut.

Aleman's immunity was nixed and he was sent to jail. He has since manipulated the system so that his "prison" is the entire department of Managua.

But apparently that's not good enough. Now Aleman wants that immunity back, and it looks like he's going to get it. For that to happen, the Sandanistas in the Assembly must give him their vote. Normally, Sandanistas don't ally themselves with Aleman's party but it seems as though they just might this time around.

3. Ortega swears that he has changed since the Aleman pact. But he seems to be up to his old tricks. For example: Daniel has reported a net worth of $600,000. But what about that mansion that takes up an entire city block in the capital city? What about that Range Rover and that fleet of Mercedes Benz?

4. To be fair, he has changed a little. He used to support a woman's right to choose and now he doesn't. He used to be an atheist and now he attends church every Sunday.

5. And about hating the Americans? Please, they're all part of the same club. Last year, Ortega was invited to U.S. Ambassador Paul Trivelli's Christmas party as the guest of honor. When Ortega showed up in jeans, everyone was aghast. C'mon, though! Hardly a revolutionary act. More like a petulant teenager who wants a bigger allowance.

6. Daniel refuses to speak to reporters. Instead, he blares John and Yoko's "Give Peace a Chance" and talks about love and peace. He paid a Madison Ave. agency to dilute his image as an incompetant, corrupt mass murderer.

But about love and peace -- People here say what people in the United States told me when they voted for George Bush -- our families are screwed. If our family lives were better, we´d do better in life. Hence why they like family values.

7. His rallies were totally canned. At one, he invited amateur sports players. When one athlete told Daniel that he would love to go pro, but he doesn't have money for a gym membership, Daniel proclaimed that if he wins, all poor people will have access to gyms. Are you kidding me? That reminds of me of high school, when Isheh Beck promised everybody free McDonalds if she became ASB president (the difference, actually, is that Isheh lost).

8. In case you missed this point: He raped his stepdaughter for years.

9. I don't want to dwell on the 1980s, as he swears that he's changed. But it should be noted that the Sandanistas confiscated lands from the rich landowners and some of the middle class ones too. Ortega lives in a mansion that he confiscated from his -- get this -- current vice president. The VP assures everyone that he has been fully compensated. Weird.

10. You really need number 10? Okay, fine. The Sandanistas were linked to the death of a reporter who criticized Daniel's corruption. The Sandanista judge who tried the case said there wasn't enough evidence.

I will be balanced and post my father's reply to some of my concerns around the time of the elections:

I have to admit I prefer Ortega to Montealegre.
Politics is usually about choices between lesser evils.
In my adult life I've lived under lots of presidents/heads of government
(Liam Cosgrave, Jack Lynch, Valery Giscard D'Estaing, Charlie Haughey,
Garret Fitzgerald, Ronald Reagan, Bush senior, Bill Clinton, Bush junior),
and I've only liked one: Bill Clinton. The problems of Nicaragua are
problems of poverty and development, and it seems that Ortega may
combine social policies with development, whereas the other guy would
mainly serve the business community. Let's hope that the US doesn't
try to interfere too much this time - unlikely since Bush has his hands
full elsewhere.

A Christian Science Monitor article from 2005 worth reading if this interests you.